Since male bashing is all the rage today, particularly among feminists and politicians seeking their votes, it is high time men had their say. One of the most popular pastimes among the feminists is to list, ad nauseum, the lies men supposedly tell them twenty-four hours a day. While it is acknowledged that few men come close to being true saints, it is also true that we have other things to occupy our time than inventing new and creative fibs with which to deflower innocent women. To that end, the following lies, directly from the lips of these same saintly women, are humbly submitted for your information and survival in a decidedly hostile female-oriented society. These lies are listed in no particular order and include, in most cases, the literal translation.
Before embarking on any discussion of the actual lies, however, it is incumbent upon us to make note of a few of the assumptions women make about men. Doing so serves both to provide men with some insights, albeit considerably limited, into how females think and also to put the lies that follow into their proper perspective:
1. All men ever think about is sex: This one is obvious to any man who has had any contact at all with women because the woman will tell him exactly that. This isn’t a lie, per se, because women actually believe it. The fact is, men often do indeed think about sex. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing unless the thoughts turn to unwanted action on the part of the thinker. Thinking about sex is a part of nature’s plan, for without sex there would be no human race.
2. Men cannot share their feelings: Unless a man continually cries, most women believe him to be cold and unfeeling. They cannot accept the fact that men tend to internalize their feelings much more than women and therefore consider most men selfish. The other side of this particular coin is the fact that if a man actually does show his feelings too often, he is then assumed to be either gay, putting on a phony show in order to get sympathy which leads to sex, or is not a real man after all, but only a baby. We cannot win this one, because the fix, for want of a better term, is in. Either way we fall on this issue, we lose.
3. It is in men’s nature to lie to women: Here again is an example of female assumptions regarding the activities of men. Since men tend to internalize feelings (see above), they also do not tend to provide minute by minute narratives on their activities. A woman will interpret this internalization as covering up something insidious, therefore the man must be lying. If we are asked what we are thinking while watching a game on television, for example, we may respond that we are thinking about some aspect of the game. It is assumed by the woman that this must be a lie because thinking about a game, masculine as that might be, has nothing to do with sex, oppression of women, molestation of children or adultery. Therefore, the unfortunate game watcher is, according to women, a liar.
4. Men do not like kids: Unless a man is totally involved in the everyday care of his children, women believe that he does not like them. It doesn’t matter one whit that he takes them places and plays games with them, not to mention provides for them, there will come a time when he has to make the choice between going to work and staying home with the kids. If he decides to go to work, he is a child hater. Of course, on the reverse side of the coin, if he chooses to stay home and care for his kids, he is a deadbeat and a poor provider. Here again, there is no winning this one.
5. Once the kids are raised, men are of no further use to women: This one is all too often sad but true. If the particular woman in a man’s life has as her singular goal the procreation and raising of children, then once this has been accomplished, the man might as well be a piece of furniture for all the attention he will receive. Her complete attention will be to the kids, then to her friends, and finally to her social contacts. The man, if he is still around, does not rank a batted eye. He might as well move into the basement or garage and at least get some peace and quiet.
Now to the meat of the matter, the lies women claim they never tell:
1. Women never lie to men: As we shall soon see, this is perhaps the most blatant falsehood of them all. The chief problem with this particular statement is that of perception. Most women believe that, unlike men, they are psychologically and morally incapable of telling lies, that the things they tell men are merely defense mechanisms designed to protect them from pain and suffering which men perpetually inflict upon them. Therefore, a woman can look a man straight in the eyes and, without a morsel of remorse, tell him a lie, thinking all the while that what she is telling him is the complete truth or, at the very least, a smoke screen to keep him off balance.
2. Looks aren’t important. It’s what’s inside a person that really counts: This one is closely related to:
3. Money isn’t important. It’s what’s inside a person that really counts: These statements are most often uttered by a woman who has recently ended a bad relationship with a wealthy and/or drop dead good-looking guy and is on the rebound. Such obviously tainted comments are nothing more than the by-products of temporary bitterness and should never be taken seriously unless you thrive on pain and confusion. Men who are neither wealthy nor handsome should be particularly wary upon hearing either of these comments. In most circumstances, the woman who makes either or both of these statements will be in the arms of yet another smooth operator with the bank account of Bill Gates and/or the looks of Antonio Banderas before the end of the week, regardless of your efforts. If you happen to believe these lies and actually make an effort to establish a relationship with the woman who says them, you are setting yourself up for a major fall. Beware.
4. Call me anytime: This is one of the most insidious falsehoods you will hear, particularly if you take the speaker up on her offer and actually phone her. In almost every case, your call will find her: in the shower, just leaving for an appointment, just flitting through the house between appointments, just falling asleep, just waking up, or, perhaps the most commonly used reaction, “kind of busy now.” [TRANSLATION – “I’m with someone I REALLY want to spend time with.” OR “I’m waiting for a call from someone I REALLY want to talk to.” See the Looks/Money lies above.] She will most likely express first utter shock and then anger that you would actually have the nerve to call her and disturb her at such an inopportune time. “Call me anytime” is on the same level of truthfulness with “Come see me.” It’s an often-used blow-off with no real substance. When you are told to “call me anytime,” what you’re really being told, politely, is “Buzz off. I’ve got too many important things to do to waste any more of my time talking to a loser like you.”
5. I like you as a friend: [TRANSLATION – You aren’t good enough for me.] Breathes there a man anywhere on Earth who hasn’t heard this one at least once? If you’ve ever taken her out for a nice dinner or bought her flowers, you are more likely to hear this one than if you are just a casual acquaintance. She knows a meal ticket when she sees one and isn’t about to give you the complete brush-off. After all, she might get bored one night when Mr. Wonderful is out of town and she knows who the soft touch is. If you can live with being a “friend” who gets the pleasure of her company, from a distance, for as long as you’re willing to pick up the tab, and you can accept the fact that she will be sending you straight home with a handshake while she offers her fruits to someone else, then feel free to accept this one at face value.
6. I’m not ready for a relationship just now: [TRANSLATION – You aren’t rich enough/good looking enough for me to get serious about.] Closely related to the Looks/Money lies above, but usually used after the initial bitterness has passed and she begins to regain her normal womanly sense of priorities. This one might have a bit of credibility if you were certain you wouldn’t see her the same night sucking face with some dude in gold jewelry and tight jeans. Most women, when in the company of other women, regularly bemoan the fact that they “just can’t find a good man.” What this means, in female-ese, is that they “just can’t find a man who trips my trigger.” Women understand this completely, but men tend to take it literally. WARNING: If you happen to be one of her “friends” (see above) and happen to be the recipient of one of her patented “I can’t find a good man” laments, NEVER tell her that you would like a more serious relationship with her unless you’re the type who enjoys multiple blows to your ego. If you don’t want to hear in vivid detail what exactly is wrong with you, don’t express your desire to get serious because she will tell you with no holds barred. Since you’re such a “good friend,” she won’t think you’ll mind a bit of “honesty.” After all, in her mind, she’s simply helping you become a better person.
7. I can’t go out tonight because [plug in your own excuse]: [TRANSLATION – I wouldn’t go out with you if I had to choose between that and root canal work without local anesthesia.] This is one of several customizable fibs you’ll encounter. Younger women, up to about age 30, almost always use “I have to wash my hair” as the second part of this one while older women tend to lean toward “I’ve had a hard day and I want to just rest.” “My [Aunt, Grandmother, Sister, college roommate, former neighbor, any other warm body I can think of quickly] is coming to visit” is another popular selection, and is used about equally across all age groups. Almost without exception, the warm body about to move in is another female. That keeps the door slightly ajar in case you win the lottery and she suddenly decides to re-evaluate your offer. If the “washing my hair” story had even a ring of truth to it, the owners of American shampoo companies would now be the wealthiest human beings on the planet, considering the fact that every female under 35 has the cleanest hair in Christendom. Women over 35, on the other hand, must by necessity stop washing their hair four times a day because their 22 hour a day work schedules and the numerous daily visitors they welcome into their homes simply don’t leave them enough time for hair care. Perhaps the most interesting of all experiences associated with this fib is seeing the woman whose [Aunt, Grandmother, et al.] is supposedly coming to visit out for a swinging night on the town. As tempting as it may be, avoid the temptation to inquire as to how her Aunt or whomever feels about being left all alone in a strange town while she parties hearty. Doing this may provide you with momentary satisfaction, but can also have long-lasting negative effects, such as giving you a reputation as being cold-hearted. It is perfectly acceptable for women to be cold-hearted vis-à-vis men, but it is absolutely not permissible for men to come across this way. The “I can’t go out tonight” lie is one of the most popular among women because, by modifying the lie to fit the proper age level and associated lifestyle, women can use it throughout their lives with equal effectiveness.
8. It’s my time of the month: [TRANSLATION – I can’t think of anything better to use as an excuse at the moment and I KNOW this one will work.] This fib might be believable if the woman was savvy enough not to use it for six straight weeks. Women understand completely the fear and loathing men have about touching anyone during their time of the month and play it to the hilt. However, they sometimes fail to realize that many men are also able to read a calendar and have the ability to count beyond the number of beers in a six-pack. It’s a scientific miracle most of them haven’t bled to death by the time they reach age 40 if their time of the month lasted as long as they would have us believe.
9. Not tonight. I [have a headache, am too tired, am too sick, am not in the mood, am too hot, am too cold, select your own]: Several translations for this one: “The other guy I’m seeing has one the size of a utility pole, so why should I waste my time with you. I can’t stand the idea of any man getting that much pleasure from my body. I don’t like having to wash dried semen off my stomach afterwards. I hate faking it. The kids might hear. I’ll miss The Tonight Show.” This fib is heavily weighted toward married women. Single women, unless they want to remain single women, don’t want to use this one too much lest they’ll lose out on a potential divorce settlement at some future date. Since women believe that men have nothing but sex on their minds most of the time, they have learned to use sex as a lure. Up to the moment you slip that ring onto her finger, she’s a willing partner. Once she’s married, however, the need for using sexual favors to obtain security is no longer necessary and you’ll begin hearing variations of this particular lie. Having been cut off from your source of sexual release and all the closeness women claim men lack, you are left with four choices: masturbation, hookers, an affair or celibacy. Which you select depends on your level of bravery.
10. Size doesn’t matter. It’s how you use it: [TRANSLATION – In your dreams, Shorty.] Unless you have a Johnson that can make her gag from the inside, you run the risk of complete humiliation the first time she sees you naked. If she keeps a tape measure next to her bed, your best bet is to run and not walk to the nearest exit, unless of course you can max out the tape. If you can’t, it’s a safe bet she knows someone who can.
11. I like you just the way you are: [TRANSLATION – You’re a total dweeb anyway, so why should I bother trying to help you improve?] This one is particularly dangerous because at first it sounds so innocent. The luckless recipient of this little white lie may actually believe the woman likes him. Imagine his shock upon discovering later that she’s been telling all her friends what a geek he is, but he does drive a cool car, so she supposes she’ll keep stringing him along until she meets a “real” man. Besides, he spends oodles of money on her.
12. I’ll love you forever: [TRANSLATION – I’ll put up with you until a better deal comes along.] The problem here is, once again, one of perception. Men tend to think “forever” means from this point onward until the end of time. Women, on the other hand, think of “forever” in terms similar to the television season – thirteen weeks and you can start fresh. Exactly how long “forever” is depends entirely on the depth of his pockets and the state of her moods.
13. I have to work late: [TRANSLATION – I’m having an affair with my boss.] If you start hearing this one a few months, or even a few weeks, after you begin the relationship, better pack your shorts and make tracks. If she has to choose between you and her job (and, by association, her boss), it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out who will come out the loser. Best to cut your losses and get on with your life before she gets the both the house and your savings account.
14. I have to go out of town on business: [TRANSLATION – I’m having an affair with someone from out of town, OR, I’m going on a trip with my boss, with whom I’m having an affair.] The same advice as above. The best way to gauge how much time you have before she gives you the heave-ho is to keep close tabs on how often these little trips take place. When they get to be a weekly event, it’s time to boogie. If you wait too long, you run the risk of coming home to find your clothes in a heap in the front yard and someone else in your side of the bed.
15. Love me…love my pet: This is a classic. The pet may be anything from a horse right down to a guppy, but whatever genus it is, it will almost certainly serve as a very large buffer zone between you and any relationship you may try to foster. In truth, she’ll hold the pet in much higher esteem than she ever will you. It isn’t that much of a stretch from trying to hug her while a snarling Rottweiler sits between you on the sofa to her calling you to ask if you’d be a sweetheart and look in on Adolph while she goes on her honeymoon. That’s a good boy!
16. What’s mine is yours: [TRANSLATION – What’s mine is always going to be mine and what’s yours soon will be as well.] Any man who believes this one might as well hand over his bank account to the first person he spots on the street. If you choose to marry a woman who already owns a home, do yourself a favor and buy a new house together. If you decide to live in her house, or if she refuses to buy another one with you, you might as well accept the fact that it will always be her house and you will always be a Johnny-Come-Lately. If she has kids at home, your problems are compounded by a quantum leap. You will become an unpaid maintenance/clean-up/bill payer. If you’re lucky, you might even have sex privileges for a while. If she’s in an especially generous mood, she might even allow you some closet space. Enter only those rooms you have permission to enter and never spend excessive amounts of time in the bathroom, on the telephone or in the kitchen (unless of course you’re washing the dishes). WARNING: Do not, under any circumstances, violate the privacy or in any way attempt to alter the lifestyles of her kids. This is the Kiss of Death for any relationship and a sure ticket to divorce court, if not a charge of child abuse. Proceed with caution.
17. I need my space: [TRANSLATION – Come within twenty feet of me and I’ll scream rape. – OR – I found someone else whom I want in my space instead of you.] This is the Mother of All Lies and almost certainly means adios the moment you hear it. You can safely assume that any or all of the other lies we’ve discussed are already being bandied about if you get the “I need my space” scenario. She wants out – period. No amount of pleading or bargaining is going to salvage this relationship, so don’t embarrass yourself further by pursuing it. Back off, quickly and totally, and make a new life for yourself before you get ten to twenty-five in the slammer.
18. You’re a nice guy, but…: This is a kinder and gentler version of “I need my space.” The results are the same, however. She’s still giving you the bum’s rush and you’re back to pork and beans and living at the Holiday Inn. Sometimes, “You’re a nice guy but…” is followed directly by “I need my space.” In that case, you might as well move to a different state, because by nightfall she’ll have told everyone she knows that not only are you an asshole, but also that you were suffocating her and not allowing her to grow. No man ever understood exactly what this means, but every man knows what it means to him. It means that no woman within earshot of your former Significant Other will touch you with a ten-foot pole. They may want to be wined and dined, maybe even hugged and touched (as long as the hugger and toucher is a moderately wealthy Brad Pitt look-alike), but it’s a surefire bet they never want to be suffocated. Say goodbye, big boy!
19. I just want you to be happy: [TRANSLATION – Like Hell!] This is another hall-of-fame classic. A happy man in the presence of any woman is doomed. The moment she thinks he’s happy, she’ll stop at nothing in her effort to make him miserable. For reasons that escape logic, women blame men, any man will suffice, for any and all the pain and agony they have suffered throughout their lives at the hands of evil men and, by God, it is their sworn duty as Sisters of the Flesh to make them pay. If she tells you she wants you to be happy, it’s time to find a hobby or a second job or anything that will keep you out of the house and out of her way or else you’ll pay dearly. What’s even worse is the fact that she will first tell you that she wants you to be happy, then proceed to tell you exactly what it is that will make you happy. If you thought that being happy meant watching a football game on Sunday afternoon while drinking a beer, you may be surprised when you learn that, in fact, the only thing that will make you truly happy is for you to take her first to the mall and then to visit her mother. Nothing else will do it in her mind. The best you can do in this situation is to never smile or laugh or otherwise indicate that you are anywhere close to happiness because if you don’t, she’ll simply move the misery train to a higher level.
20. I want to have your children: [TRANSLATION – Since I’ll probably play hell in this male dominated justice system getting alimony, I’m going to get as much child support as I can squeeze out of you.] Women love kids, especially their own. They love picking out names for them and all the other things associated with having kids. Sometimes they’ll even include you in the plans and schemes, particularly if you’re the one with the insurance. But, once the kids arrive, you might as well move into the garage because she’ll have about as much use for you as she would a grease gun. You’ll be lucky if you aren’t sharing a bed with the family pooch within a month after the blessed event, on the porch, so she can have “her” child close by and not have to worry that your influence can permanently corrupt the child. She’ll also start watching you so she can record when the molestation and abuse starts so she can help get you convicted quickly and get on with her idyllic life with her children.
21. I worry about your health: [TRANSLATION – If you think I’m going to waste the best years of my life taking care of your sick ass when I could be on a cruise, you better think again.] This is one place where all men start out at a disadvantage. Women outlive us by an average of ten years and they know it. Sometime around the age of fifty, they reach what is commonly known as “The Cruise Age.” This is the time of their lives when they begin thinking of a life beyond marriage. It is, for them, a magical time when all grieving widows get together and sail the Caribbean in search of soul-mates with whom they can swap tales of what horrible marriages they had and how glad they are that the old coot finally had the good sense to die. If you are a middle-aged man and your spouse begins checking your pulse every morning, it’s time to shuffle off into the sunset because she’s got plans for the years after your untimely demise. If she starts feeding you fried foods and red-eye gravy, you might as well figure she’s already got the ticket and the Ports of Call itinerary safely tucked away somewhere. If she really is concerned about your health, most likely it is because she doesn’t want to have to go to work to make up for the money you will no longer be able to earn for her. Your best clue to this is when she begins pestering you to purchase a big life insurance policy, with her as sole beneficiary of course. You might as well do this as soon as possible after the wedding and eliminate at least one potential source of nightly arguments.
22. I think of you as a big brother: [TRANSLATION – You’ve got about as much chance of getting into my pants as a tourist in Queens has of not getting mugged.] This one is similar to the “Friend” lie, except that you won’t even have the dubious pleasure of an occasional evening alone with her. The second you hear the “Big Brother” speech, you might as well prepare yourself to be on the receiving end of numerous phone calls asking for advice on how to deal with the bad habits of all the men in her life. Since she does acknowledge that you are a man, she figures you must know what makes them tick and are more than willing to share that information with her. She’ll introduce you to each and every new squeeze and will never understand why you aren’t simply bubbling over with enthusiasm over her happiness. She may realize you are a male, but it is completely beyond her realization that you might have any feelings toward her beyond that of protector and advisor. Move on, ya big lug ya, and don’t forget to write.
23. I want you to be successful: [TRANSLATION – I sure as hell don’t want to have to struggle along on your crappy salary for the rest of my life, so you’d better get out there and make enough to support me in the style to which I’m entitled.] This little ditty is usually uttered not long after she meets someone wealthier than you are, and who, by the by, IS able to give her all the goodies she believes she’s entitled to. This particular fib is only heard early on in a reasonably happy relationship. If the relationship is longer term, this fib is almost always supplanted by:
24. I’m holding you back: [TRANSLATION – Our paperboy probably makes more money than you do, you loser, so I’m going to let you live in the sewer by yourself while I go for the gold.] If you hear this one, you can bet your bottom dollar that she’s already got your replacement picked out and will be sunning herself on his new deck boat before the ink is dry on the divorce papers. Of course, that won’t stop her from showing up at the property settlement phase to stake her claim on everything except the clothes on your back, and she’ll get those if you’re anywhere close to the same size as her new squeeze. REMEMBER: All the good intentions in the world cannot possibly make up for being average in the wage department. Unless you suddenly win the lottery, there’s a CEO with your significant other’s name on him waiting in the wings.
25. I really want to know what’s on your mind: [TRANSLATIONS: 1. Let’s see you weasel your way out of this one, buddy; 2. I already know what you’re thinking; 3. I already have your opinion in mind, so don’t even try telling me anything else; 4. As if I really give a damn about your opinion. I just need a good fight.] This is the Big Enchilada. There is absolutely no way any man can escape from this one unscathed. Nine times out of ten, she’s been thinking about this for the better part of the day and already has worked out what your answer better be. You, of course, don’t have a clue what that answer is, but if she doesn’t hear it flow from your lips verbatim, you’ve had it. No matter what you say, or how sincere you are in saying it, it will be the wrong thing to say. Your best defense is to try to give her the answer she wants, no matter how far from the truth it may be. She will expect you to lie anyway, so you might as well do so in self defense and you just might escape with your gonads intact. WARNING: NEVER, EVER tell any woman, with the possible exception of your mother, what is really on your mind, particularly if doing so might reveal to her your deepest feelings. If you do this, you will be from that point forward her prisoner. She will own you, lock, stock and alimony. The only thing worse than a woman scorned is a woman who knows your innermost secrets. If you believe she won’t use those secrets against you in some future dispute, I have some prime real estate on the moon to show you.
Well, there you have them. Twenty-five of the Biggies. I’m sure there are others, the normal CYA types of fibs that everyone keeps in stock for those times when the truth just won’t do it. If you learn to recognize the above misrepresentations for what they really are, and are able to translate them quickly enough to maintain your balance, you just might survive couplehood, or marriage, or whatever sort of relationship you are in. Remember, the person you are dealing with is not like us. She doesn’t think or act as we do. She will probably never accept you as an equal. In fact, she may never consider you as more than just another household appliance to be used whenever needed and discarded when you become obsolete or a pet to be kept only as long as she finds pleasure in you. Learn from your errors and don’t believe for a minute you won’t make them. Your survival in a hostile environment depends on it.
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